This summer the first book of my series is coming out. It has been a lengthy process that has left me drained, wondering if I had completely lost my sanity. I’m excited and nervous to put out this work that is full of my insecurities.
I’m also really proud of it. Writing this series has been an act of therapy for me. Throughout the eight manuscripts, I have written my life into the pages, personal experiences and even some of my journal pages from growing up. Will I tell you what’s mine and what belongs to my fictional characters? Maybe some day, but not anytime soon.
I began writing this series after years of being gaslighted and finally being able to bring my head above the surface to breathe. It was that first breath that made me realize that I had been drowning that whole time. I didn’t know. I thought I was just losing my mind and everything was my fault.
When I stepped out of that situation, I still wasn’t free. Years of depression threatened to keep pushing me down. Anxiety and suicidal thoughts left me wishing that I would give up and drown. I wanted to give in, and there were many times I almost did, but something changed in me. I wanted to fight this time. I wanted a new life.
I started writing.
The first script I wrote was a fantasy, and it’s still a hot mess… but it got my blood flowing. I couldn’t stop writing after that. I tried pushing out the past but it kept coming back, harder and faster every time I pushed it away. That’s how this series was born.
It started out as a writing exercise, then I gave in and let the script dictate what I was supposed to write. Everything came to the surface. Not just from my gaslighting experience, but every childhood demon broke free and swam through my mind, every evil horror that haunted me in my young adult life, all of it came back to stare me in the face.
Now, if I was a wise individual, I would have sought counseling immediately. And I did for a while, but nothing worked out. That’s how this series was born. I was desperate. I screamed and cried my way through the whole first draft of the first book. Then another draft of another book.. then another.. and so on.. now I have eight scripts in this series.
Most people see me as a happy individual, I’m not afraid to get down right stupid to make someone else laugh. Their happiness is important to me. Putting these books into the real world is like putting a swinging door onto my soul, what you see is not always what you get…
Putting myself out there is going to be an exercise in self acceptance, because I know this series is not going to be accepted by everyone inside of my circle. Even outside of my circle. One thing I have learned through this process is: This is me. I might be shiny and pretty on the outside, always wearing a smile, always the first to ask how everyone else is doing, but on the inside, it looks like shit. It has taken me a long time to be okay with that. My books are the door to what’s on the inside.
Today ask yourself: Are you accepting of people because of their neat put together appearance? Because they seem happy and look like they have their lives in order? Or will you run in the other direction at the first sight of their shit coming to the surface?
It’s those individuals who have stayed by my side after they’ve seen my shit that I cherish the most.
Happy Monday y’all. Let’s keep it real.
Follow along to catch my next blog where I’ll be talking about some of the mental illnesses I will be covering in my Get in My Head series.