My Voice

Please don’t hate
The way I articulate
There’s no judgment here
Just you running in fear
It’s not just my hobby
No need to lobby
I’m not going anywhere
I just want to be here
In the present
Learning to represent
My feelings and emotions
And all my new devotions
To those who want to listen
Because this administration
Only wants to take
So we need to be awake
And stand strong
From those who do wrong
They drag us down
Making us look like clowns
Because we’re blind
Not of the same mind
So we surrender
To this fender bender
And give up
Stuck in a pileup
With no hope
So we learn to cope
With mediocrity
Drowning out the minority
Forgetting how to sympathize
No longer are we civilized
Stepping on toes
We bulldoze
Those who want to speak
Instead we critique
Every human
Adding onto the confusion
Because we are offended
By the way their sentence ended
So we yell
And try to sell
Our brand
That is made by our own hand
We have forgotten to love
In the pure way that’s from above

When I Became a Mother

The moment you become a mother

The heavens are supposed to open up

The angels are supposed to sing

Tears of joy are supposed to flow

The moment you become a mother

The earth is supposed to split open

Goosebumps are supposed to cover your skin

The moment I became a mother

Nothing.

There was no earth-shattering quake

No overwhelming sensation of joy

Heaven did not shine down on me

And I did not hear those angels sing

No, when I became a mother

There was nothing

They placed a little alien in my arms

And I stared at her, holding her

Trying to breathe in her scent

But I did not feel a thing

I was empty

My heart was hollow

No, when I became a mother

I entered another dimension

One that was lonely

There was no happiness there

No one to tell me what was wrong with me

When I became a mother

I became sad

I couldn’t stop crying

All I wanted to do was sleep

I knew there was something wrong with me

But I couldn’t tell anyone

How could I as a first-time mother?

How could I tell another soul?

My angel face

The child I birthed out of my own body

This being I am supposed to have a spiritual connection to

How could I tell anyone I didn’t love her?

I didn’t want her

When I became a mother

I became depressed

I wanted to die

The color red blurred my vision frequently

The moment you become a mother

Your world is supposed to change

The heavens are supposed to open up

The angels are supposed to sing

Tears of joy are supposed to flow

But not when I became a mother

No, when I became a mother

There was nothing

Dear Depression

Dear Depression,

Do you not see me?  Standing here in front of you?  Naked.  Alone.  Tears staining my face.  But you don’t offer to wipe them away.  No, you like them there.  You enjoy it when I am like this.  When I am in a place where I cannot function.  You like it when I can’t breathe.  Can’t see.  Can’t live.  When I don’t want to move on.  Damn you.  Damn your power over me.

Old friend.  How can we still be friends when you treat me like this?  Have I not given you enough of my time?  You suck me dry every chance you get.  Damn you.  Damn your existence.  If you really hate me this much, why don’t you just leave me alone?  Why do you keep coming back to me?  Like an addict to their drug.  A dog to its vomit.

I’ve tried time and time again just to ignore you.  You have ruined my mind for months, even years at a time.  You have ruined my body, used me over and over again.  Damn you.  Damn your selfishness.  Let a woman move on with her life.  Let me raise my babies in peace, let me give them a happy childhood.  Memories of a kind loving mother.  Must you taint their memories as well?

Why do you want me for yourself?  Do you not know I have a husband?  One who loves me, one who is not ashamed of me, who never mocks me and shows me how filthy I really am.  Damn you.  Damn your adulterous ways.  You don’t just make me miserable, you touch those lives around me, those whom I love and want to protect.

My mind goes black and all I see is red.  The rage you dump in my soul is from another world.  You are like no other I have experienced.  You tempt me, you physically pull me into yourself.  I beg you to stop, and just when I think you have had enough with my pleas, you slam me down again and start over.  Damn you.  Damn your poison.

Damn you!  I damn you for my life you keep trying to steal.  It does not belong to you. Damn you!  Damn you for stealing moments that were near and dear to my heart.  Damn you for taking precious memories from me.

Damn you depression!  Damn you for not letting go.

Signed,

A Survivor

Why Get in My Head?

As promised last week, I am going to go over some of the mental illnesses my characters will be learning to navigate through in my Get in My Head series. I won’t tell you what is in each book, you’ll just have to follow along to find out for yourself.

The importance of this series is to:

1) Encourage people who have a mental illness. No matter how bad it is or impossible it seems to get, there is always hope. That hope looks different for each person. The hope I cling onto may not be something you agree with, and that’s okay.

2) To help those who have never struggled get into the heads of the sufferer. Example: my spouse has never struggled with depression or anxiety to the depths I have. He’s a fairly happy individual and at the beginning of our relationship, he had no idea what to do with me. It was hard and stressful. I needed him to be everything for me, but he didn’t know how. It wasn’t fair for me to expect him to pick up the pieces for me. As he reads through my manuscripts he has gained new insights to how I feel and why I feel the way I do, and that sometimes I don’t even know why. Sometimes the past randomly triggers me for no reason. He graciously takes it all in stride, but I am wise enough to know not everyone has that kind of support.

3) I want those who do struggle to understand that they cannot always lean a hundred percent on family or a partner, especially if that partner cannot relate. Love isn’t always enough and that it is okay to reach out to other places of support.

4) Anyone can be affected by mental illness. It doesn’t matter your race, financial standing, popularity, anyone can be suffering in the dark, and you would never know. What is that quote? “Be nice to everyone you meet for everyone is fighting a battle.”

I cannot cover every mental illness, and further yet, every variation of each mental illness, that would take a life time. But a few that I have taken the time to research and study (or pull from my personal experience) include:

Bipolar I

OCD

Anxiety

Self Harm

Alcoholism

If you’ve made it through this massive info dump and plug for my series, you are a better person than I am. I am both excited and nervous to be putting all my guts on display for the world to see. Thanks for following along on my adventure.

 

 

A quote from my WIP:

You can get past this Cam. Just because you struggle, doesn_t mean you_re sentenced to a life of fear and misery. There will be joy at the end of this tunnel, you just have to reach