I say I’m sorry

I’m confused

You hurt me

But you say I’ve hurt you

I say I’m sorry

You don’t apologize

You say that you were just a novelty

Some prize

You say I don’t need you

Like you need me

But that’s not true

You mean so much more to me

So around and around we go

On this merry-go-round of our own making

Spinning faster

Gears smoking

Metal grinding

Until it goes up in flames

Us in the middle

I refuse to let go

You loosen your grip

To safety you go

I’m left in the flames

Wondering when things went wrong

Wracking my brain over word choices

Wish you were here to help walk me through

Flames consume me

But I let them to feel the pain

Because I imagine this is how you felt

When you said I hurt you

I’m confused

You hurt me

But you say I’ve hurt you

I say I’m sorry

I’m really sorry

I’m having a hard time

I’m having a hard time you see

With churches and religious institutions that be

Don’t give me your best spiritual words

They fly past me like a flock of humming birds

All the verses you spout

Are a deafening shout

Against my spirituality

You stare at me critically

And judge my morality

Your venom dripping lethally

When the only words I need to hear

Are words you’d wish would disappear:

I am sorry.

I’m sorry for the hurt and pain

The times we cut you down to the vein

I’m sorry for the sharp tongues

How we sucked the air from your lungs

Those moments you were neglected

When we left you hanging and disconnected

I am sorry.

We have stolen the sacrifice

When our own love comes at a price

Why are those three words so hard to say?

You should stick them on replay

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

Lack thereof

I struggle because you don’t understand

I struggle because I wish I knew

I wish you knew

The barrier between us

That you don’t understand

Don’t get it

Can’t feel my pain

My hurt

You crack a joke

You brush it off

Not because you don’t care

Because you don’t understand

You can’t process

You don’t know how

You weren’t built that way

I struggle because you don’t have empathy

You weren’t born like me

You don’t know how

You didn’t know it was missing

Until you met me

I met you

We fell in love

We made plans to grow old together

We made a family

I got sick

I got sad

But you didn’t know how to help

You didn’t know what to do

I lay in bed

Alone in the dark

You pat my back

Tell me to go outside

A little sun will help

I cried

Your eyes remained dry

You didn’t understand

You didn’t know how

It wasn’t your fault

You were born that way

You remained happy

When I was sad

You couldn’t be sad with me

But it’s not your fault

I struggle because you don’t understand

I struggle because I wish I knew

I wish you knew

The barrier between us

When You Met Me

When you met me, you thought I was sweet

You said I was kind and forgiving

Told me you thought I was brave

When you met me, you thought I was whole

What you couldn’t see

Lying under the surface

A wall of electricity

Ready to explode

Implode

Expecting not to survive

Preparing for the worst

A ball of nerves

Tears ready to fall

With no warning

Splintered memories

Not being able to breathe

Can’t focus

Counting to five

Trying not to pass out

Hoping I could leave

Wishing I was stronger

Smarter

Prettier

Not knowing how

To put the pieces together

Lost

Shattered

Ashamed

This you couldn’t see

When you met me, you thought I was sweet

You said I was kind and forgiving

Told me you thought I was brave

When you met me, you thought I was whole

My Voice

Please don’t hate
The way I articulate
There’s no judgment here
Just you running in fear
It’s not just my hobby
No need to lobby
I’m not going anywhere
I just want to be here
In the present
Learning to represent
My feelings and emotions
And all my new devotions
To those who want to listen
Because this administration
Only wants to take
So we need to be awake
And stand strong
From those who do wrong
They drag us down
Making us look like clowns
Because we’re blind
Not of the same mind
So we surrender
To this fender bender
And give up
Stuck in a pileup
With no hope
So we learn to cope
With mediocrity
Drowning out the minority
Forgetting how to sympathize
No longer are we civilized
Stepping on toes
We bulldoze
Those who want to speak
Instead we critique
Every human
Adding onto the confusion
Because we are offended
By the way their sentence ended
So we yell
And try to sell
Our brand
That is made by our own hand
We have forgotten to love
In the pure way that’s from above

When I Became a Mother

The moment you become a mother

The heavens are supposed to open up

The angels are supposed to sing

Tears of joy are supposed to flow

The moment you become a mother

The earth is supposed to split open

Goosebumps are supposed to cover your skin

The moment I became a mother

Nothing.

There was no earth-shattering quake

No overwhelming sensation of joy

Heaven did not shine down on me

And I did not hear those angels sing

No, when I became a mother

There was nothing

They placed a little alien in my arms

And I stared at her, holding her

Trying to breathe in her scent

But I did not feel a thing

I was empty

My heart was hollow

No, when I became a mother

I entered another dimension

One that was lonely

There was no happiness there

No one to tell me what was wrong with me

When I became a mother

I became sad

I couldn’t stop crying

All I wanted to do was sleep

I knew there was something wrong with me

But I couldn’t tell anyone

How could I as a first-time mother?

How could I tell another soul?

My angel face

The child I birthed out of my own body

This being I am supposed to have a spiritual connection to

How could I tell anyone I didn’t love her?

I didn’t want her

When I became a mother

I became depressed

I wanted to die

The color red blurred my vision frequently

The moment you become a mother

Your world is supposed to change

The heavens are supposed to open up

The angels are supposed to sing

Tears of joy are supposed to flow

But not when I became a mother

No, when I became a mother

There was nothing

Dear Depression

Dear Depression,

Do you not see me?  Standing here in front of you?  Naked.  Alone.  Tears staining my face.  But you don’t offer to wipe them away.  No, you like them there.  You enjoy it when I am like this.  When I am in a place where I cannot function.  You like it when I can’t breathe.  Can’t see.  Can’t live.  When I don’t want to move on.  Damn you.  Damn your power over me.

Old friend.  How can we still be friends when you treat me like this?  Have I not given you enough of my time?  You suck me dry every chance you get.  Damn you.  Damn your existence.  If you really hate me this much, why don’t you just leave me alone?  Why do you keep coming back to me?  Like an addict to their drug.  A dog to its vomit.

I’ve tried time and time again just to ignore you.  You have ruined my mind for months, even years at a time.  You have ruined my body, used me over and over again.  Damn you.  Damn your selfishness.  Let a woman move on with her life.  Let me raise my babies in peace, let me give them a happy childhood.  Memories of a kind loving mother.  Must you taint their memories as well?

Why do you want me for yourself?  Do you not know I have a husband?  One who loves me, one who is not ashamed of me, who never mocks me and shows me how filthy I really am.  Damn you.  Damn your adulterous ways.  You don’t just make me miserable, you touch those lives around me, those whom I love and want to protect.

My mind goes black and all I see is red.  The rage you dump in my soul is from another world.  You are like no other I have experienced.  You tempt me, you physically pull me into yourself.  I beg you to stop, and just when I think you have had enough with my pleas, you slam me down again and start over.  Damn you.  Damn your poison.

Damn you!  I damn you for my life you keep trying to steal.  It does not belong to you. Damn you!  Damn you for stealing moments that were near and dear to my heart.  Damn you for taking precious memories from me.

Damn you depression!  Damn you for not letting go.

Signed,

A Survivor